god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
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