yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
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Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
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I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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