Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
