Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
