I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
