i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
