Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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