How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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