What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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