Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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