My hand turned me down
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I don't think brook has ever known best
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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