Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
How does one acquire holy water?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
