He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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