I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
