We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
