WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
