this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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