Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
