I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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