How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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