3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
