Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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