I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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