I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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