On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
