Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
