did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You're a waste of cheezeits
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
