new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
