I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
