yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
