i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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