i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
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