got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
