you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
