I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
