i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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