new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
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I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
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Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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