I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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