he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You may now shotgun with the bride
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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