I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
