he wants to bone in the snuggie
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
