My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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