I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
