i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
