Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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