Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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