ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
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Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
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That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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