Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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