I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
