i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
